
'Tis the Season... again. I would give almost anything to feel some joy. I've been told that I have to “Make my own happiness.” Sure, if someone could tell me how, I would do that. Is it possible to be happy when you know you will be alone for New Years Eve... again? When you try online dating, but no one responds to your messages. When you are a feminist & fight the urge to skip a meal, because... maybe, if I was thin, a man would love me. It's a betrayal of the self in the biggest way. I should be loved for who I am NOW, not the “me” I am -50 pounds from now. Why? It's the same fucking person!
This is the time of year I am supposed to feel the Spirit and be surrounded by the people that love me. I've been pushing against negative thoughts, but it is like building a sandcastle under water. Yes, it is possible to do so, but it takes all the energy you can muster. Daily, I say to my inner negative demon, “OUT! I have no room for you anymore. Let me have some Peace.” The hopeless thoughts usually win. The water dissolves away the sand every time. I hear the negative things that come out of my mouth & I am astonished. I do not want to be this person anymore. I want the pain to go away. I want to feel joy & love. I do not want to be the person that people don't want around, but... I am that person. When did I become that person? How do you overcome that? I want people to see the beautiful me. She is in here somewhere.
I will ask for what I want & I will get it?! I've been told to do this. I am not allowed to speak of my challenges. Supposedly, they are a pathway towards enrichment of the soul. Lessons? I've been packing away lessons for years and I am done for a while. The lessons are becoming burdensome. There are far too many to put into practice. I am balancing them delicately, but I am tired. I need... I am seeking support. I need a break from lessons.
Dear Goddess, hear me... heal me. I want joy, unconditional love, hope and friends that won't leave me. Mental illnesses are like a vapor. The effects are chilling and cling to your skin, but you can put on a sweater, leave the room & pretend it isn't there. If I had diabetes, cancer or any other affliction, people would understand. Not when you have depression. You become a burden, a victim and a “bad attitude”. When someone has cancer, would you ever hear someone say, “They choose to be sick. They need to just get over it & be healthy.”. I hear this all the time when depression is the illness. Well, FUCK YOU! I was born with this & I fight every day to live in a world with judgmental people like you.
Millions of people suffer & fight this illness day after day. This stigma has to run out of fuel eventually. Let it end here. If you know someone is depressed, don't try to make it go away. You cannot make it go away! You can help the person get though the symptoms. I cannot speak for anyone, but for me, all I really want is a hug. Yes, it is that simple. Someone to say, “I know you are sad, but I am here. I am not going anywhere. Cry it out. ” That is what is needed more than anything. Sure, I cannot build that sandcastle when I am alone, but the strength & courage of two or more is powerful.