sandra_4677: (Default)
2020-02-07 10:59 pm

I am OK

I am all alone, but I am OK
I am all alone, but I am OK
I am all alone, but I am ok
I am all alone, but I am OK
I am all alone, but I am OK
I am all alone, but I am ok
I am all alone, but I am OK
I am all alone, but I am OK
I am all alone, but I am ok
I am all alone, but I am OK
I am all alone, but I am OK
I am all alone, but I am ok
sandra_4677: (Courage)
2013-03-10 06:32 pm

Just a thought

I was talking with my friend Jocelyn tonight and it got me thinking about something in a different way.  We were discussing job hunting. She's as frustrated about this as I am. We agreed that people love to give unsolicited advise about this.

How many times have friends told me,"Stop complaining! Just be thankful you have a job." Why is wanting MORE for myself a bad thing? Why does seeking something different mean I am not thankful? If I was just content to be a Health Coach the rest of my life, I would be just fine with what I have now. If I didn't know that I had talents to use, I would just sit back and SETTLE. I am tired of being told that expecting more of myself is wrong. I'm not complacent. That isn't me. I can be thankful for my employment and yearn for new challenges & experiences. I will NOT feel guilty about that anymore! 



sandra_4677: (Tree)
2012-12-26 10:05 pm

'tis the season



'Tis the Season... again. I would give almost anything to feel some joy. I've been told that I have to “Make my own happiness.” Sure, if someone could tell me how, I would do that. Is it possible to be happy when you know you will be alone for New Years Eve... again? When you try online dating, but no one responds to your messages. When you are a feminist & fight the urge to skip a meal, because... maybe, if I was thin, a man would love me. It's a betrayal of the self in the biggest way. I should be loved for who I am NOW, not the “me” I am -50 pounds from now. Why? It's the same fucking person!

 This is the time of year I am supposed to feel the Spirit and be surrounded by the people that love me. I've been pushing against negative thoughts, but it is like building a sandcastle under water. Yes, it is possible to do so, but it takes all the energy you can muster. Daily, I say to my inner negative demon, “OUT! I have no room for you anymore. Let me have some Peace.” The hopeless thoughts usually win. The water dissolves away the sand every time. I hear the negative things that come out of my mouth & I am astonished. I do not want to be this person anymore. I want the pain to go away. I want to feel joy & love. I do not want to be the person that people don't want around, but... I am that person. When did I become that person? How do you overcome that? I want people to see the beautiful me. She is in here somewhere.

 

I will ask for what I want & I will get it?! I've been told to do this. I am not allowed to speak of my challenges. Supposedly, they are a pathway towards enrichment of the soul.  Lessons? I've been packing away lessons for years and I am done for a while. The lessons are becoming burdensome. There are far too many to put into practice. I am balancing them delicately, but I am tired.  I need... I am seeking support. I need a break from lessons.

Dear Goddess, hear me... heal me. I want joy, unconditional love, hope and friends that won't leave me. Mental illnesses are like a vapor. The effects are chilling and cling to your skin, but you can put on a sweater, leave the room & pretend it isn't there. If I had diabetes, cancer or any other affliction, people would understand. Not when you have depression. You become a burden, a victim and a “bad attitude”. When someone has cancer, would you ever hear someone say, “They choose to be sick. They need to just get over it & be healthy.”. I hear this all the time when depression is the illness. Well, FUCK YOU! I was born with this & I fight every day to live in a world with judgmental people like you.

 

Millions of people suffer & fight this illness day after day. This stigma has to run out of fuel eventually. Let it end here. If you know someone is depressed, don't try to make it go away. You cannot make it go away! You can help the person get though the symptoms. I cannot speak for anyone, but for me, all I really want is a hug. Yes, it is that simple. Someone to say, “I know you are sad, but I am here. I am not going anywhere. Cry it out. ” That is what is needed more than anything. Sure, I cannot build that sandcastle when I am alone, but the strength & courage of two or more is powerful.

sandra_4677: (Default)
2011-11-06 09:39 pm

Heavy November


November is heavy. It's like a boulder sitting on my chest. This happens every Fall, but there is not much that can be done about it. I love Autumn for so many reasons, but my depression loves it too. I spend the entire weekend in my apartment and I am ashamed of that. I was quite desperate for human interaction that I actually went to Wal-Mart tonight. Yes, how sad is that? I needed to be around people so badly that I went to buy some candy at a store that I loathe. "Why Wal-Mart?", you ask. It is the only place I can go w/o any make up on and still be more attractive than most of the people there. I give my self-esteem a boost any way I can get it! 

So, there I was in the candy aisle, with three other women. We are all starring at the chocolate as though it's sexiest man we had ever seen. We are carefully glancing over each shelf for that perfect fix. You can tell a great deal about someone by what is in their grocery cart. Mine contained Dove dark chocolate. I added some Oreo's, Ben & Jerry's, and some Twinkies.  I don't even fucking like Twinkies! My low blood sugar & self-deprecation were certainly the ones doing my shopping tonight.
 On my way to the check out, and suddenly stopped. "You weirdo. You cannot go to the check out with this. The girl behind the check out counter will judge you and realize how pathetic you are." Yes, we ALL know them, right? The bitches and pricks that judge every blessed thing they scan, but have NO clue the actual names for fresh produce! They scan the Twinkies and the Creme Brulee Egg Nog, and then give you a look of sheer pitty. I do not want to deal with this bullshit, so I added some milk... and some carrots & celery. 
" Victory is mine. 
sandra_4677: (Default)
2011-07-26 10:58 pm

Purpose

I've been thinking about my sense of purpose as of late. Seriously wondering what mine is. Am I here to be a good friend to people that cannot reciprocate for whatever reason? Maybe I am here to help other people feel good about themselves and show them someone cares. If that is my purpose, am I doing a good job of it?  If I was a good friend, wouldn't people want to spend time with me? Wouldn't I be with people on the weekends instead of alone all the time? If I was a good friend, wouldn't people reach out to me more often? I am the one that calls to say, "What are you doing this weekend? Want to get together?" The usual reply is, "I am busy for the next 3-4 weekends." They have busy & fulfilling lives. I want this. How do I make that happen?. I invite people to a party at my place & the "I'm busy" replies roll in like waves on a beach. What am I doing wrong?

I've been seeking out volunteer opportunities. If I don't have friends to spend time with at least I could donate my time to people that need it. Still unsure where to volunteer. I need to do something, but what? I want to feel a sense of community w/ friendships and something that connects me here. I'm just not feeling that.



I recently asked my supervisor why I wasn't chosen for a preceptor role @ work & she replied, "They were looking for people that are good teachers, good communicators, are approachable and have an advanced technical skill set." I've been a Wellness Counselor for 7 years & I am a damn good one, but she was telling me that I am NONE of those things?  It was like a knife in my gut. I take pride in the work I do as a Wellness coach, but I guess it isn't good enough. Now I know how my co-workers view me. Maybe my friends view me as unapproachable. Dear God, If I am unapproachable I wish someone would tell me!
 What is my purpose? I wish I knew.


Things are so hard to figure when you live from day to day in this feverish and silly world.”    ~Jack Kerouac, On the Road

sandra_4677: (Default)
2011-04-20 07:35 pm

Home

I've been thinking about this recently: "Where is my home?" Selling the house & all the other changes that happen w/ that have got me dwelling on that question. Yes, I found a wonderful apartment & I will be able to keep my dog. The moving date itself is still up in the air, but the lawsuit isn't. I got my court summons from Nathan yesterday & it's bad. I digress... I dearly love Minnesota, but is it really "home" for me anymore? Am I focusing on the wrong thing? I have friends that I love, but no career to hold me in MN. I don't have any children or a husband that have established roots here. Why am I so fearful of stepping out of my comfort zone?

I recently had a wonderful 4 day trip to New York, and I loved it there, but not sure I could ever live there. The energy of the city is magnificent, but caused me some anxiety at the same time. I feel like I somehow am betraying myself by not taking more chances. If I really wanted to move, I would do that! If I really desired to go back to school, I would somehow make it happen. I need a kick in the ass & a heavy dose of inspiration. My friend Erin said to me, "Sandra, be kind to yourself!". I am working at this.

Erin treated me to a Broadway play for my birthday - Good People starring Frances McDormand & Tate Donovan. You all know how much I love & and admire Tate! Watching the way he was able to master the stage and share it at the same time was inspiring. I could feel pain of the Margie & the frustration/shame from Mike as the story progressed. To s
ay that I love theater is a major understatement. 
Erin encouraged me to get involved in music again. That is when it hit me - community! This is what I am missing. I long for a sense of community. My creative
muscles are atrophied and weak. This is what I will work on. Am I ready to go back after such an extended absence. We'll see...



Montage: youtu.be/4WgW9vo-fic

Funny Clip: www.youtube.com/watch




sandra_4677: (Thin)
2011-04-09 10:41 pm

If I Was Thin

There are many names for the kind of normalcy & body type that I crave ie. thin, skinny, tiny, or slender. Those are the women that men want. The skinny ones. The pretty ones. The ones that they can lift up with ease. The sexy ones that cause men & women to stare with admiration.

I wonder though... if I was thin, would I be happier? Would I find the peace and acceptance I have been seeking? If I was 90 pounds lighter, would I finally be able to accept myself? Would shedding half my body weight help me find true love? Would men find me loveable finally or would it cause me more pain? Would they continue to use me and throw me away? I know that I am holding onto this weight to protect myself, but from what exactly? I am one big contradiction. One moment I am very happy to be single = no risk of rejection by a man. The next moment, I am frustrated & hurt = I long to be desired and loved by a man. I am so dizzy with these contradictions my heart causes.

If I was thin, would I feel less empty when shopping for clothes? Would I finally be able to try on jeans & not cry? If so, why does that mean my life would be better? Would it change how anyone else views me? Would my friends see me differently? Would I be seen as more respectable, because I weigh less? 

Would I finally be able to respect myself.... if I was thin?




sandra_4677: (Default)
2010-08-07 04:34 pm

Alone


This poem really inspired me!


HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis


If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait.
You'll find its fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously based on your avoid being alone principals.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.

Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there are always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. Lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless & lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.


Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be relieved, keeps things interesting life's magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that communities not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

You could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

sandra_4677: (Default)
2010-06-20 08:29 am

Dating... uh... no!

Ok, can someone please help me figure this out. I've been dipping my toes back into the pool of online dating. I've tried 4 different sites and keep getting the same results. No, they aren't good results. How I wish I had better results, but alas... here is the mess that is my romantic life.

After being hurt and rejected as badly as I was last year, you would think I would have learned something. Well, I did actually. I learned that I am content to be "alone" , for now.  I should guard my heart, and not trust so easily. When I say that I am "alone",  my friends freak out on me as if I just told them I was joining the church of Scientology. There is this need to say, "No, you aren't alone, Sandra. Stop saying things like that. If you keep saying that, you will end up alone". I know my friends love me, but come on - I would rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong reasons. Yep, you heard that line in one of my favorite movies.

I digress. My quandary is this: Why do I keep putting myself on dating sites when I know I will be disappointed? The men that keep writing to me are just... well, my Goddess loves all of Her children, but the guys that write to me fit into one of the following categories:

1- Just rolled out from under one of his many cars (in his front yard) and then used his phone to snap his picture. Toothless men need love too, but why do they think that I would be interested in paying for his 3 kids from 3 other women? At least put on a shirt that doesn't have grease stains all over it, ok! Cutting off the sleeves doesn't change the fact that your Van Halen shirt from 1986 is still a shirt from 1986. You live with your mother in that trailer, so at least make sure she irons that tank-top, alright?

2- We all have a special place in our hearts for Sloth from "Goonies", but I don't want to date him... or his cousin... or his son... or his brother. I've gotten e-mails from all of them! Don't call me shallow, please. To some people, I am not even a 5 on a 1-10 scale, but let me live in my fantasy that I am hot, ok? Yes, I said it! H-O-T!

3- I already have a Grandpa, so why do creepy old men keep writing to me? Even more disturbing, is the dirtiest things said to me on these dating sites have come from men that are so old that they were in High School or College during the Great Depression. They listened to the inauguration of FDR on the radio &  fought prohibition. Now, THAT depresses me... major "ick" factor there.

4-No, I don't want to be your 3rd wife or teach you proper English. As tempting as it is, the thought of moving to Saudia Arabia to join your Harem is just not in the cards for me.

5- 'America's Most Wanted' & 'To Catch A Predator' are good shows. They could have a higher rate of capture if they just searched Yahoo Personals, Lavalife and OK Cupid. They are all there! 

6-In case you thought this whole list was based on appearance - nope! I have gotten some nice e-mails that made me smile... until they disclosed that they were  married, but "the wife doesn't have to know. Wink Wink". Uhhhh... no wink wink! Sandra doesn't "wink wink" ok? In some cases "the wife" sent her man out to find someone to spice things up. Not this feminist. Women don't like to be called THE______  anything, alright? In the words of Hall & Oats, "I can't go for that... no can do."

Lastly, I know I am overweight, but please don't tell me it doesn't matter to you. I know it does. All women KNOW that it matters. Please stop telling me that you like a curvy woman, but when you meet me, tell me that you "prefer athletic women".  *** News flash boys - I can lose weight, but you will always be a total prick! ***


sandra_4677: (Daisy)
2010-02-27 10:12 am

Sunshine

The sunny days are finally here! I am more ready for Spring this year than I have ever been. There are some great things happening for me. I had a meeting last week that went amazingly well. Hopefully, I will be changing jobs in the next few months. I actually got a big tax return this year - kiss my ass Nathan! - and I will be able to pay off some credit cards. I won't have to chose between gas for my car & groceries anymore. I can get both! *whew* Now, to pick out my recumbent bike & start getting into shape! Yes, this is going to be a great year after all.
sandra_4677: (Namaste)
2009-12-28 12:01 pm

2010

I will pay off at least 2 credit cards this year AND buy myself a stationary bike!
Once I have the stationary bike, I will ride it at least 30 minutes 3x per wk & 1x each weekend...
I will succeed at not chewing my fingernails & treat myself to a manicure.
I will read at least 1 chapter before bed instead of watching mindless TV - enough TMZ already!
I will be more positive this year & stop being the "intensely negative" person I have
been told that I am...
I will take more time to journal. Even if it is only a paragraph or two...
I will be content w/ being alone and accept that I am not meant to be married or have children...
I will be less frustrated about my job & be thankful for my employment...
I will resist the need to tear myself down because of my weight...
I will DO something and not just TALK about losing weight...
I will take time each day to do something special for my friends & myself...
I will learn that having a boyfriend doesn't equal happiness...
I will eat at least 5 servings of fruits AND veggies every day & reduce the sugary hot cocoa...
I will allow myself fast food 1x every weekend and not stop @ Wendy's at 9:00pm after work to feed my emotional emptiness...




sandra_4677: (Mandala 1)
2009-11-20 09:43 pm

I'm tired...

... of taking a pill every day to maintain my will to live & feel 'normal'.
... of going to a job day after day that I am becoming less and less interested in.
I am so tired of spending every weekend all alone & praying that my phone will ring - only to be disapointed when it doesn't. 
I'm so damn tired....
... of waking up every morning wondering what I have to live for today.
... thinking that people don't like me and will eventually hurt me... because I deserve it.
... being constantly negative and, not knowing what to do about it, because I just don't see anything positive anymore. 
I am tired of being judged because I am overweight.
I am tired of being overweight, but not feeling worthy enough to change it... because no
man will ever love me anyway...

I am tired... of being tired...



sandra_4677: (STRENGTH)
2009-11-16 10:27 pm

Things I am thankful for this week...


White Chocolate
Sunshine on a cool day
My best friends Lish & Kristin!
Unspoken support from the people that love me
The Daily Show - cracks me up!!!
Relaxing evenings @ home
My dog sleeping peacefully next to me - the comfort of knowing I am not alone